It’s Aries season – perfect time for bitcoin, ass-less chaps and romantic interests

Illustration by Bridget Chilver

See what the stars have in store for you. It’s Aries season, and with a blue moon and Mercury currently in retrograde, Bitcoin, ass-less chaps and romantic interests take a front seat in the coming astrological forecast.

By COURTNEY BEAUMONT,
lifestyle editor

Aries – After the long weekend, and still recovering from Monash’s Fetish Party, be sure to get enough rest and drink plenty of water. This is a period of creativity and romance, so try coercing your mate to post a photo of you on Stalkerspace with the caption “my friend is looking for love”, it’s always a success. Love is still just around the corner! Friday will bring new delights, so douse yourself in body spray and finally cut off that wristband from Pitch in preparation for this romantic encounter.

Taurus – Now is the time to get out and about, Taurus. New friends will come into your life, and unwanted ones may leave. It’s time to cull the guy that still talks about how he “definitely picked” the top five from the Hottest 100. Your passions will be more volatile, which means it’s a good time to spark up your love life. Start by focusing on a healthy diet, pretend you know what “superfoods” are and convince your friends that you have it all together.

Gemini – Your social calendar will fill up quickly, though your uni timetable isn’t quite as perfect. You may want to desperately email tutors after realising that Allocate closed a lot sooner than you thought. Stop, breathe, and reconsider your Gemini status! Use that second personality of yours and sneak into classes that fit you better like the two-faced beauty that you are. By the end of this week your tutor will realise that you’re not actually meant to be in the morning tutorial, so expect a passive-aggressive email, urging you to attend the correct class. Ignore it; you’re a Gemini, baby.

Cancer – Psychic energy with you is high right now. Your Cancerian instincts will come in handy later in the month when you consider not touching on your Myki on the 630 bus, spotting the group of racially diverse friends, all aged between 22 and 45 wearing steel-capped boots. Yes, they ARE PSOs! You will share this discovery on Stalkerspace, receiving arbout 15 likes. Tthis will be a massive highlight of the week and boost for your ego, Cancer.

Leo – After taking a solid few weeks to recover from Golden Plains (you’re too indie for Pitch. Mazel tov! We’re all very impressed) You’ve said goodbye to summer the best way possible, and with the months ahead promising cooler weather, seasonal depression is already setting in. Melbourne’s coldest winter yet is coming (and cringe at that stale Game of Thrones reference). Don’t worry though, think about how much time you’ll have to plan your Meredith festival outfits and get all the attention you deserve. You are a Leo after all, and it’s all about you.

Virgo – Now is the time to take risks you normally wouldn’t. Take baby steps – for one day a week don’t wear activewear! If that’s too overwhelming, try a sophisticated athlesuire instead. Stand out, don’t just blend in. In a sea of MacBooks in a law lecture, be a Dell. Branch out into things you normally wouldn’t have the courage to do: invest in bitcoin, dedicate your life to cryptocurrency – it sounds like a really viable and stable idea, Virgo. If you are in a relationship, you and your partner will want to deepen the commitment you share. Splurge and go on a romantic date. 

Libra – The recent moon cycle has affected you deeply Libra, with a blue moon coming up on the 31st and Mercury in Gatorade retrograde, it’s going to be a tough few weeks (even though Mercury is in Marmalade retrograde 90 per cent of the time anyway). Find ways to balance your personal and professional life. If you feel uni or work is dragging you down, join a club. Monash’s Flat Earth Society is always looking for new recruits around the globe. Regarding your social life, be careful, someone may be looking for a way to deceive you. Now’s the time to point fingers haphazardly at anyone and everyone – no one can be trusted, Libra.

Scorpio – Now is the time for your passion to arise, Scorpio! Just when you thought it was time to hang up those assless chaps and ball gag that got a bit of airtime for the Fetish party, better start oiling them up again. New opportunities will come on to your horizons, so put aside your inherent Scorpio trust issues and dive headfirst into the social scene. You never know, you might find the Christian Grey to your Bella Swan. #teamjacob!

Sagittarius – It’s time to utilise the time you have, Sagittarius. Thinking that allowing 20 minutes is enough to catch the bus from Huntingdale station to Clayton campus is delusional – it’s forty-five at least. That’s on a good day. Your love life, however, will be filled with passion, probably something to do with drunken uni events. You will be able to work longer with greater focus and patience, so make the most of it.

Capricorn – Rest and relaxation for you, Capricorn. You’re a bit slow to get into the routine of the semester, but soon you will be right on track. Also, enough time will have passed that you can fade away from the Marxist Society you accidentally joined through sheer peer pressure during O Week. Your work life has taken a backseat recently, and it’s time to focus more on this, maybe team up with a Virgo you know and talk business about bitcoin and pyramid schemes. You Capricorns are cunning when need be!

Aquarius – Positive news will arise regarding your social life, seize it as well as you can. Your friends are looking out for you, so stop ghosting them, Aquarius. Uni life will prove difficult, if you’re planning on logging into Moodle with ease anytime soon, think again. You will be feeling more impatient and jittery than usual, so take a deep breath and focus on avoiding eye contact with any journalism students that want to interview you for a piece on funding cuts.

Pisces – It’s Pisces season, baby! This is your time.  Make the most of it, wipe away those tears from being so moody and instead focus on what you want. There is good luck on your horizon; maybe your lecturer will give up and play a whole episode of The Office, followed by some heated Dwight/Jim discord, hypothetically of course.