BY DWARAK BALASUBRAMANIAN

Carmen Holder wears her scar with a conflicting mix of shame and pride.

“At some stage I felt ashamed of what I did,” she said.

“But now, it’s a reminder of I’m here and it’s up to me to be happy, or unhappy. It’s like a war scar.”

Her relationship with the scar is complex, just like every tale of self-harm – a discreet world cloaked with shame and stigma.

However, for Ms Holder, it’s more a tale of triumph over adversity than anything else.

Five years ago, Ms Holder attempted to take her life. Unfazed and explicit, she said after years of feeling “useless, unworthy, alone and empty”, self-harm, followed by two open-heart surgeries sparked an epiphany.

“It was years of pain and guilt. I was thinking that there’s no point to be here. I don’t enjoy what I used to enjoy. I was feeling like a zombie,” Ms Holder said, with a sigh.

“I didn’t know what else to do. I felt like I was in a dark room with no exit. I felt exhausted of not finding a solution."

While her scar hasn’t faded away, her mental health has healed.

An advocate of living life to the fullest, Ms Holder, who is now 45 years-old, is using her ‘Dare to Live’ initiative to inspire others.

Using seminars and self-help tips, Dare to Live promotes better physical and mental well-being.    

“I knew I can’t run away from myself…I had two options. Either I make peace with myself and become my best friend, or keep being my worst enemy,” Ms Holder said.

For her, to “resolve issues from the core” meant a social media detox, surrounding herself with her loved ones, eating healthy and doing the things she loves

Her wish was to find her own way to be happy again.

To live a meaningful and fulfilling life, she said one must learn to accept the good and bad about themselves just like they accept sunny and rainy days. 

“I don’t expect life to always be sunny and warm. We need the balance and duality to compare and appreciate [things],” Ms Holder said.

“If we see every experience as a learning lesson and not as a punishment, it’s a different perspective. You see life in a new light,” she said.

The Zumba instructor points to photographs of her fitness sessions. Her lips bear the semblance of a smile, enough to show how much she now enjoys life. For her, the key to a happy life is to find what ignites her passion.

Sifting through her memoirs, she sits on the balcony, her face aglow with the last of tangerine rays.

“It’s okay to be vulnerable. Go and talk to yourself and find what makes you happy. Give yourself permission to just be you,” Ms Holder said.  

“It’s a choice. Life can be a party, or nightmare if we choose to.” 

While suicide prevention has entered the national agenda, Australia is grappling with a looming threat of increasing numbers in suicide-related deaths.

According to a report by the University of Sydney’s Brain and Mind Centre, suicide rates in Australia are forecast to increase by 13.7% in the next five years.  

Senior Monash University Research Fellow, Dr Kylie King, said the focus should be on end-to-end integration of services and community-building to avoid a tragic spike in numbers.

“We’d really prefer early intervention rather than prevention. There’s talk of integration of services to ensure people don’t fall through the gaps,” Dr King said.

“We want this to be a priority at all times.”

The federal budget, announced on October 6 this year, included a $5.7 billion support package for improving mental health services across the country.   

However, with support services like Lifeline and Beyond Blue experiencing a surge in calls, Dr King said the onus is on people to take active steps.

“It’s about stepping up your self-care and making sure you’re doing things that you like,” Dr King said.