WORDS BY BAYLEY JOHNSTON
The time is 10am and I have a hangover.
I am awake, next to a half-eaten halal snack pack hanging off the side of my bed, staining the carpet beneath. There is some sort of green pigment splotched all over my pillows, bedsheets, and favourite new trench coat. Shit, I only bought that two days ago, I think as I stumble naked to the communal bathroom of my share house. Each time I take a step it's like I am poking an army of bull ants nesting in my brainstem.
I reach the mirror and peer in, not seeing myself staring back, but rather a granny smith-coloured goblin. I unlock my phone and tap play on the 20-minute-long voice memo titled ‘Private Function Interview’.
I cringe as I hear a half-cut version of myself, talking with Private Function's lead singer, Chris Penney. I listen as we discuss all things Twin Peaks, Warner Brothers and even WWI military tactics.
On the 24th of April, the Melbourne-based band, Private Function graced the people of Collingwood with their presence at the ever-famous Tote Hotel.
Private Function are a 5-piece punk rock collective, originating from Melbourne. From their humble beginnings in 2016, the band has become infamous throughout the Australian punk scene. With a sound reminiscent of 90s staples like Frenzal Rhomb and Cosmic Psychos; Private Function delivers a healthy dose of grunge rock straight to the veins.
This gig was a last-ditch effort for the group to fill their coffers before they jumped aboard a plane for their upcoming European tour.
Being the last show in Australia for the foreseeable future, they did not disappoint. From when the band first launched themselves on stage, up until their final retreat to the greenroom; Private Function had the crowd on hook, line, and sinker.
As they jumped on stage, a barrage of inflatable doughnuts hit the concertgoers in the mosh, causing absolute pandemonium. While the band played their set, they ducked and dived around, deflecting the air-filled projectiles launched at them from the chaotic mosh pit.
Behind a score of distorted guitar and a lightning-fast drumbeat, it was truly a sight to behold. Watching as the swarm of punk weirdos elbowed, shoved, and surfed on one another, all the while presenting grins on their faces, was a joyful sight.
With this in mind, I was shocked to realise that this gig was nearly cancelled entirely.
Originally, the event was pitched as a Looney Tunes/Warner Brothers themed night. However, on the morning of the performance the band awoke to a 28-page cease and desist document dropped on their front door. It turns out that theme-park-owning, multimillionaire conglomerate, Warner Brothers, had taken offence to the band using their imagery on the ticketing website.
“We woke up and were like ha-ha this is so funny,” said Penney.
“Then they were like, they want $10,000 reparations or some shit in damages.”
Private Function has never been one to shy away from legal controversy having an album banned entirely in South Australia due to gambling laws. It’s safe to say the band had a sense of pride regarding the lawsuit.
However, they weren’t the only ones caught up in this. Their self-described 'favourite venue in the world' had also received a mountain of legal papers.
“No multinational, multimillion dollar company is going to get a cent from us ever,” said Penney, “but we just don’t want to get the Tote in trouble.”
With DLA Piper, the global law firm, presenting a looming threat, Private Function decided to remain vigilant and go on with the show. Some changes were made; most of the Warner Brothers-inspired costumes the band had prepped were ditched in favour of tattered black t-shirts, aggressive makeup and black leather boots - the classic punk attire.
However, this did not stop the crowd from wearing their favourite Looney Tunes merchandise, nor did it stop Penney from dressing up for the occasion.
At the halfway mark of their set, Penney made a mad dash off stage, before returning half-nude, dripping in acrylic green paint.
Donning a top hat and cane, he had dressed himself up as an off-brand, show tune-singing cartoon frog. The next thing I knew the crowd began chanting “Make us green! Make us green!” and the singer flew directly into the mosh pit.
His limp Kermit-coloured body hit me straight in the gob and I found myself with a face full of green. As I lay splayed out on the Tote's beer-stricken floor, I realised that this band was something special.
The well-oiled rock and roll machine that is Private Function, is an anomaly in the punk scene. Rather than using their instruments to create a cacophony of noise for the lead singer to yell over; Private Function uses raw talent to create a sound where every member is equally important.
It’s obvious that each song has had blood, sweat and tears poured into it. They may appear cheap or silly on the surface, with titles like 'God Save The King Hit' or 'Passion Pop', but it is clear these songs are well thought out and made with love.
Combining a sense of low-class Australiana and satirical ideology, Private Function creates tracks that can be enjoyed on multiple levels.
The climax of the performance was during the final two songs, where the band started pulling punters out of the mosh and onto the stage. Jammed together like sardines in a tin, Private Function finished the night with covers of 'SOS' by ABBA and Creedence Clearwater Revival's ‘Fortunate Son’.
How the band managed to play these songs, while there were literally people falling over the drum kits and amps, I still don’t know. But I do know that these playful covers got the whole room singing and were a perfect way to end the night.
Private Function brings a sense of fullness to the table; their fuck you attitude has meaning; their songs have depth, and their stage presence is something other bands wish they could emulate.
So, if you find yourself spelunking around Europe’s underground venues on a Contiki Tour, or you see some poster on Sydney Road saying that a bar is having a ‘Private Function’, make sure you check out this rambunctious group of young guns. Oh and maybe wear green, just in case.